Remembering the girl before Domestic Violence…

Her name is Fearless..

I met this girl once, and from the first moment we locked eyes I knew she was fearless. She was confident, dominated her surroundings, she was unstoppable.

There were days I tried to hide from her. She targeted me, she push me outside my character to stand tall, make demands, never say that I can’t. She was fearless.

But not me, I sink in fear and it turns my stomach, locks my lips, freezes my body. But she couldn’t hear me. Day after day life slammed into me and fear sheltered me. She took space in me standing tall, pure confidence, she was staring at me. She refused to give in. Fearless took over my spirit pushing me towards strength never letting me hide away. She stuck around me. she was fearless.

She didn’t think anyone could ever break us apart, but there he was. Domestic violence swooped in. Dead silence. No one knew  what it did and she was gone. I didn’t know what to do blinded by his charm, smoke and mirrors set in.  He was a real smooth talker, affectionate, he was everywhere with me, I had no time for her. Something about him I didn’t know but it felt wrong. It was two different something about him, I felt it changed me.

I walked aimlessly looking for strength reaching confusion in full despair ignoring the fact that it was happening to me. My eyes avoided the truth as others pointed to me “something is wrong, your confidence seems lost.” My Fearless was gone. I tried to wake her within and in a flash his charming ways enslaved me in lust, in trust for him.  His angry words of pretended love so empty before my ears. But I was deaf to truth and sunken in his lies. I  did not know, I did not see, I did not believe his hate was for me, I thought he loved me. I thought I needed him.

With no idea I let him in deeper into control over me. He was too strong. His grip too tight and it pulled me back, it kept me in, help was too far. His strike was fierce and I was too late or so I thought. In that very moment of chaos and helplessness I remembered when I first met her, fearless as she was strong not like me. I felt her waves swiftly rise with fire in my veins and I was ready!

I couldn’t take it, he was a savage and I no longer buying into his fake apologies. He stripped me naked like an animal with no home training, no manners, no mercy. Nausea turned my stomach and I was screaming loud pressing my body against the cage of fear. That fear knew me too well. It tried to get me, to hold me, it made me feel that somehow I caused this. That it was there where I belong, it made me feel I couldn’t help me.

Minutes look like hours, hours turned to days, but fearless was rising in me.
He was strong, and I no longer weak, I was determined to get the animal off me! I was no longer fearful. His damage settled, scars were deep, and I remembered.. I stood up to that bully, Domestic Violence, was dead. Scared of what was happening I faced him repeatedly until his grip heard my roar. No charm, no small talk, no apology, nothing about him, no more. There is no mercy for him, no more. My ears grew deaf to his plead of lies. It felt so good, it was done, he was gone, he was not welcomed in my life, no more. 

With the remains of pain, weak, yet strong, no longer scared, and free. Today I fear less and no one can take fearless from me.

Breaking the cycle building a Legacy..

The cycle of life never lets you forget where you came from regardless of the natural and chosen transitions you make in life. As a young girl, I wondered about the reasons why “Love” didn’t occur naturally. Why people behave as they do? Specifically, I studied the way that my mother responded and/or reacted to my behavior and that of my siblings. I searched for answers as to why there was so much physical and verbal abuse in my household. But no answers were found where I searched because children were expected to be silent and parents weren’t to be questioned. Silently, I pondered conclusions to my inevitable upbringing and made-up reasons why “it happened to me.”

I learn to sustain myself by creating daydream memories of what my childhood should have been like. I struggled as a young woman finding my own identity in the mist of letting go of that one which I came from. I looked unto others that I admired and attempted to mimic some of their characteristics that resembled strength, courage, and autonomy. I learn to self soothe my wounds both mental and physical without the need of a mothers comfort. But the cycle of life had other plans for me. Life as I knew it became more complex as I worked my way out of childhood and lashed at the world of adulthood. And though I suppressed much of my past, motherhood was in my future.

I delivered my first child in 2008 and all the emotions that I once suppressed as a young child came rushing in creating confusion and turmoil. It was now my turn to fulfill a role I knew nothing about. To my surprise the intensity felt much more worst then when I was actually a child. I felt confused, angry, sad, fearful, and uncertain as to why I continued to feel such resentment for the person who once gave me life. I myself was becoming a mother, and hence the cycle of life began.

It is with great uncertainty, that I dwelt in the world of motherhood and learned through my daughter what it really meant to be a mother. I felt myself letting go of the characteristics I once admired the characteristics that made me strong in order to completely and selfishly love my child unconditionally as she love me from birth. As I struggled with letting go of my individualism, I embraced her needs as my own and questioned once again as I did when I was a child “how can a mother not love or show love to their own child?” I couldn’t fathom the thought of looking on to my child and wishing her death, nor striking her due to a child like mistake, or reducing her “needs” to the mere thought of it becoming a “want” and not fulfill my responsibility to her.

My compassion grew even though I fought aginst it. It caused me to feel deep sorrow for my mother as she never fullfilled her role due to her own battle with growing up with an absent and abusive mother and then it becoming her. Motherhood helped me feel sorry for her. I felt sorry that she did not get to enjoy the unconditional love a child has for their mother. I felt sorry that she did not get to find joy in seeing the smiles of her children, receiving constant affection, and watching our growth. I felt sorry for her because through all the anger and pain that she had while mothering myself and my siblings she missed the opportunity to be loved unconditionally by her children. To feel that sense of validation that you, “the mother” is the most important person in their life because through you they came to be and through you they will learn about life. I felt sorry that she never realized this while we were still young in her care readily available to love her unconditionally with open arms and without restraints. And though I wrestled with my destructive memories of her, anger and resentment towards her for the pain and suffering I endured turned to compassion for her.  My compassion turned into love, and it was then when I learned to love my mother.

Still, there’s times that I myself question my own loyalty to “me.”

“The child who cried herself to sleep” The child who rubbed her own hurt,
the child who wondered where she belonged and who claimed her as their own. The child who felt abandoned within a home. The child whose innocence was there no more. No family no home, no roots to trace or own. The child who was left behind to wonder and endure Life on her own. The child who became angry and resented her own life. The child that is now a woman and a mother to her own. That woman is me, and refuse to suffer, no more.

I share my story to give hope to those girls who grow up feeling abandoned by their mothers. Though I don’t have a close relationship with my own, I learned and am still learning to let go of those memories of her that once harbored hate. I hope in my story someone finds comfort in knowing that you can survive and be the mother you want your child to remember, who loves them fiercely, loves them with no restraints.

Tiana and Taelynn, my girls, my legacy!

Tragic day in living with Depression

I can’t imagine what my ex-husband now back together (long story) is feeling right now. He doesn’t understand what is going on with me and my constant mood changes. I tried my hardest to explain, but when I’m down there’s little that I can explain without getting teary eyed and angry in the same breath.

How do you tell someone that you can’t explain how you feel? That its not their fault, but your anger takes it out on them and everyone around? How do you explain depression when you’re actively down in the dumps?

I have no clue. And though I want to say how I feel, I can’t seem to find the words. I feel lost, claustrophobic, and overwhelmed with life. Its so unnerving to be successful with no job , no income, no outlet, no energy, and no desire to try because everything seems like its falling apart. I hope I can survive tomorrow and wake up free of depression but chances are tomorrow will be another day without light of a  better mood. I just feel like I can’t breathe within the walls of this house and I’m hurt he can’t understand why I feel this way.

My last question to those reading is how do I explain my depressing state ?

Life as a stay at home mom…guilty blessings

What can I say.. I’m beyond tired day by day sitting here with nothing but a lot to do and no mental break outlet. I love my girls. Without them I feel lost but having the responsibility of their sole care is overwhelming. I hate feeling guilty of wanting to be somewhere doing something rather than being at home but its how I really feel. How can I battle these feelings that so many times turn into frustration and anger towards the lack of opportunities for mothers with young children. Its such a drag to go back to work and end up paying more than half of your earnings to pay for the care of your children. Something needs to change. Depression is at an all time high and I am not feeling it.

Hopefully in these month’s coming up something changes as they return to school. I just want to remain sane in this journey of guilty blessings called, Motherhood..

Reinventing Me!!!

It has been a total roller coaster!! I have been feeling absolutely out of my self but in both good and bad due to what has happened and what is yet to come. I have to say that I am grateful for the support and love I have gotten so far since my experience with domestic violence.

I ask myself everyday, what can I do today to keep my strength, and so far I am strong enough to keep my head above water. It’s so devastating to feel violated in such a way that you don’t feel human. To have your mind degraded at levels you didn’t imagine possible other than seeing or hearing a horror story, but not something that could happen to you. I find that it’s so easy to feel lost when something so tragic happens out of your control. I hear people tell me “your strong, you can heal from this” and though I believe it, there are days my defenses are down and nothing I do can erase the physical pain from my heart and mind. I wonder how long must I endure such pain! How much more will my heart and mind take replaying the bullshit this asshole put me through! How much longer will I hurt? But do they understand how “I feel” do they know how hard it is to lay in the same bed I shared with my abuser, to walk through the door and not see him home, to make plans and not have him be a part of them, to have life happen and no one to share it with! It’s a road taken by many, acknowledged by few, and ignored by a vast of people who don’t realize how rampant domestic violence is and the physiological impact on a human being.

I know it was intentional! I know nothing I could think of can excuse what happened to me. I also know that regardless of what happened, the fact of the matter is no one should have the right to put their hands on someone else to exercise control over them. It doesn’t matter how much I love and loved him… He’s not worthy!!

Almost a month since I’ve seen my abuser and though is hard to breathe sometimes, I repeat to myself “I’m worthy” and keep living life!!! Stay strong ladies, no one that is willing to strip you from your basic human life to feel safe is worth your time..,

NO MORE!!!

Camera ready…