Remembering the girl before Domestic Violence…

Her name is Fearless..

I met this girl once, and from the first moment we locked eyes I knew she was fearless. She was confident, dominated her surroundings, she was unstoppable.

There were days I tried to hide from her. She targeted me, she push me outside my character to stand tall, make demands, never say that I can’t. She was fearless.

But not me, I sink in fear and it turns my stomach, locks my lips, freezes my body. But she couldn’t hear me. Day after day life slammed into me and fear sheltered me. She took space in me standing tall, pure confidence, she was staring at me. She refused to give in. Fearless took over my spirit pushing me towards strength never letting me hide away. She stuck around me. she was fearless.

She didn’t think anyone could ever break us apart, but there he was. Domestic violence swooped in. Dead silence. No one knew  what it did and she was gone. I didn’t know what to do blinded by his charm, smoke and mirrors set in.  He was a real smooth talker, affectionate, he was everywhere with me, I had no time for her. Something about him I didn’t know but it felt wrong. It was two different something about him, I felt it changed me.

I walked aimlessly looking for strength reaching confusion in full despair ignoring the fact that it was happening to me. My eyes avoided the truth as others pointed to me “something is wrong, your confidence seems lost.” My Fearless was gone. I tried to wake her within and in a flash his charming ways enslaved me in lust, in trust for him.  His angry words of pretended love so empty before my ears. But I was deaf to truth and sunken in his lies. I  did not know, I did not see, I did not believe his hate was for me, I thought he loved me. I thought I needed him.

With no idea I let him in deeper into control over me. He was too strong. His grip too tight and it pulled me back, it kept me in, help was too far. His strike was fierce and I was too late or so I thought. In that very moment of chaos and helplessness I remembered when I first met her, fearless as she was strong not like me. I felt her waves swiftly rise with fire in my veins and I was ready!

I couldn’t take it, he was a savage and I no longer buying into his fake apologies. He stripped me naked like an animal with no home training, no manners, no mercy. Nausea turned my stomach and I was screaming loud pressing my body against the cage of fear. That fear knew me too well. It tried to get me, to hold me, it made me feel that somehow I caused this. That it was there where I belong, it made me feel I couldn’t help me.

Minutes look like hours, hours turned to days, but fearless was rising in me.
He was strong, and I no longer weak, I was determined to get the animal off me! I was no longer fearful. His damage settled, scars were deep, and I remembered.. I stood up to that bully, Domestic Violence, was dead. Scared of what was happening I faced him repeatedly until his grip heard my roar. No charm, no small talk, no apology, nothing about him, no more. There is no mercy for him, no more. My ears grew deaf to his plead of lies. It felt so good, it was done, he was gone, he was not welcomed in my life, no more. 

With the remains of pain, weak, yet strong, no longer scared, and free. Today I fear less and no one can take fearless from me.