It has been a total roller coaster!! I have been feeling absolutely out of my self but in both good and bad due to what has happened and what is yet to come. I have to say that I am grateful for the support and love I have gotten so far since my experience with domestic violence.
I ask myself everyday, what can I do today to keep my strength, and so far I am strong enough to keep my head above water. It’s so devastating to feel violated in such a way that you don’t feel human. To have your mind degraded at levels you didn’t imagine possible other than seeing or hearing a horror story, but not something that could happen to you. I find that it’s so easy to feel lost when something so tragic happens out of your control. I hear people tell me “your strong, you can heal from this” and though I believe it, there are days my defenses are down and nothing I do can erase the physical pain from my heart and mind. I wonder how long must I endure such pain! How much more will my heart and mind take replaying the bullshit this asshole put me through! How much longer will I hurt? But do they understand how “I feel” do they know how hard it is to lay in the same bed I shared with my abuser, to walk through the door and not see him home, to make plans and not have him be a part of them, to have life happen and no one to share it with! It’s a road taken by many, acknowledged by few, and ignored by a vast of people who don’t realize how rampant domestic violence is and the physiological impact on a human being.
I know it was intentional! I know nothing I could think of can excuse what happened to me. I also know that regardless of what happened, the fact of the matter is no one should have the right to put their hands on someone else to exercise control over them. It doesn’t matter how much I love and loved him… He’s not worthy!!
Almost a month since I’ve seen my abuser and though is hard to breathe sometimes, I repeat to myself “I’m worthy” and keep living life!!! Stay strong ladies, no one that is willing to strip you from your basic human life to feel safe is worth your time..,
NO MORE!!!
Mother First, Life Second 